Clean install, no apt repos

After fighting with the installer either not mounting the USB installer (created with Rufus) partition as /cdrom, (mount -t vfat /dev/sda1 /cdrom) or it being very unhappy with UEFI, getting issues installing grub-dummy packages, I finally get this turd installed, only to find out that the apt repos in /etc/apt/sources.list is devoid of any online sources, just the cdrom (fantastically useful…), and nothing else. Can’t SSH in as I don’t have the packages installed, the web interface is AWOL, I get a server can’t be reached error in Chrome.

How do I fix this mess of a struggle to install of an OS?

What really gets me is you want to charge people for this too. I guess that paid support does come in handy.

I used the 4.4 ‘stable’ release ISO offered on the download page

Sorry if this is more of a rant than a question, but I’ve spent the best part of 3 hours getting to this stage, only for it to laugh in my face. This is a broken mess and with no reasonable way to fix it.